For future reference

1. When a boy who leaves goosebumps on every inch of your skin tries to play you his favourite song, don’t let him. He’ll get it stuck in your head and under your fingertips and when he leaves, you won’t be able to listen to it without feeling like you’re choking.

2. Don’t let him touch you all over no matter how much you want to feel him against you. Leave a few spots untouched so that when you’re sleeping alone again, at least your left wrist and an inch of your right hip won’t sting with the remaining burn of his mouth.

3. Don’t let him break your ribs.

4. Don’t watch the sunset with him. He’ll poison it. You won’t be able to look at the sky without swallowing a mouthful of him.

5. Don’t mistake wasps for butterflies. Sometimes when you feel your stomach flutter and your hands start to shake it’s pain, not love.

6. Just because he tells you he loves you doesn’t mean he’s going to stay.

7. It’s okay to delete his number after he kisses the pretty girl he met when he was drunk. It’s okay to leave when he hurts you. You don’t have to keep falling into him.

8. When he tells you that you’re beautiful, try to remember that you were beautiful before him too.

9. Just because he reads and smokes cigarettes and talks about the stars doesn’t mean he’s your soulmate.

10. After you kiss him, remember to wash your mouth out right away so he doesn’t burn into your tongue.

11. He’ll kiss you in the rain and take you to little coffee shops. He’ll brush your hair out of your eyes and kiss your nose. He’ll grab your waist and whisper in your ear but six months later you’ll find yourself drunk texting him that you miss him and he won’t respond.

12. Your heart is going to break a million times. It’s going to feel like the world is falling apart around you. Your lungs will stop working some nights. You find yourself grabbing at your bones trying to hold yourself together. You’re going to feel like you’re dying. It’s going to be okay. You’ll find someone else to kiss you goodnight.

What is love?

Someone once asked me, "do you fall for someone easily?" I hesitated to give an answer. I wasn't sure myself. Do I? I did a lot of thinking about that these past few days and I think I do. If you're extra nice to me, you make me laugh, you make me blush, there's a 98% chance I might develop a crush on you. This is bad right?

You know I personally don't know if all the crushes and feelings I had back then was love. I don't even the difference between "like" and "love" to be honest. What is love? If I fall for someone, does it means I love them? I don't know what's up with me lately but I've been pondering a lot about this. Is it weird? Probably.

"Almost is never enough" 

I've never come to a stage where there's commitments and a real relationship. I guess my best was never good enough after all. I never learn my lesson as I've gone through this complicated "more than friends, less than lovers" stage way too often.

I have so many questions unanswered.

Tab's birthday celebration @ La Marelle

It was Tab's 18th birthday on the 1st Feb where she had a small birthday gathering at Studio M Hotel which I unfortunately couldn't make it hence we had a belated celebration for her at Bugis and Arab Street. We surprised her and brought her to La Marelle for lunch. It was our first time there but before that I've seen pictures of the place and food on instagram and I've always wanted to pay a visit and I finally did! The food was very expensive but delicious. 

Anyway those are my best poly girls, missing Irah and Gina sadly but I love them all!

Terrifying

Today's the start of my 3 weeks' studio project 2 and I'm done with year 1. Crazy how time flies so fast. It's a terrifying if you ask me. Anyway I survived the previous which is filled with submissions and presentations for the 5 days. It was tough I won't lie especially after knowing I didn't get a good grade for an assignment I spent a lot of money, effort and time on. The disappointment is so heartbreaking. I wasn't sad because I disappoint anyone but it's more of disappointing myself. I can never get how my lecturers mark and grade our assignments/projects, I can never.

I got a feeling I'm gonna struggle for my studio project 2 because I really know how to edit a video but I'll figure something on somehow hopefully. It's so saddening to see that all of my other friends of other schools are done with school while I still have 3 weeks. Let's hope time flies fast. Other that, I'm not mentally and physically prepared that I'm gonna be in year 2 in April.

Relatable

My heart is in my stomach.

Miserable

I hate seeing you happy.

I hate seeing you happy with someone who is not me.

I hate that I'm still bothered.

I hate that I'm secretly not over it.

I hate that I actually depended my happiness on someone else.

I hate that I never learn my lesson.

"I thought of texting you 'good morning I can't sleep' and then I remembered you are on a journey which I am not a part of and that's okay but good morning I can't sleep."

Start of Feb 2014

It's been a while. I love blogging so much, just typing out my thoughts and stories but lately I've been super lazy. Not only for blogging but for everything else basically. I really want to blog more often in 2014 so let's try and keep to my word. A month of 2014 is down. It's the February now. Talk about how fast time flies. I got a feeling 2014 is gonna be another fast year.

SCHOOL - Ok where do I start? School has been hell for me. It's the second part of sem 2 already which means I'm reaching to end of year 1 which is super fast. I seriously have no motivation for sem 2. It's so hard to get inspiration too. I've been procrastinating so badly but I'm drowning. Like what I'm doing now, procrastinating my work and blogging instead. But oh well it's alright I guess, since it's about time I update this dusty blog. Back to my hatred on school. Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of education but I feel like they're putting so much stress on us. Work load after work load. Ridiculous assignments given all due in the same week. What happened to taking one step at a time? Money is another issue. The amount of money I spend on my assignments is just crazy. I hate spending on stuff which I know will be placed aside somewhere in the lecturers' office eventually since all they do is grade it and put it aside. Spending a lot of effort, time and money but getting majority of the time, a C. Yes that's a pass but knowing the hours I spent on my work which then only lead to a C is heartbreaking.

My classmates are very competitive too. I feel so demoralized and I mean it. Seeing my classmates who did a pretty darn good job but complaining it sucked and stuff makes me feel worse. I have classmates who does their work at the very last minute but in the end managed to get a really high B or even an A. Not once but most of time. I'm envy these kind of people. But oh well I guess it's their luck? But yeah I'm happy that they did well but I just can't help but to feel jealous.

But I believe, everyone has their own speciality or talent. It's either we realised it or not. Who knows we have not even find it yet but it will come eventually. I hate it when people comparing others to me therefore I myself should stop doing that bad habit too. Always thinking I'm not good enough. Easier said than done but I'm trying this new thing where I only focus on positivity.

"Everything happens for a reason." 

I have a week left before my deadlines for my 5 assignments! I hope I can make it. May the odds be ever in my favour.

Before I end my post, happy Chinese New Year to my Chinese friends/readers! I hope February will be a bearable month for all of us!

p/s sometimes I wonder who even reads my blog oh well

Bothered

It's 2am. My thoughts are keeping me up.

NYP's OH 2014

We volunteered to help out for this year's open house. Initially, if I remembered correctly it was Gina who wrote all of our names as a joke. We were very lazy to help out actually but just so we could skip class, cheeky I know, we came down to help out for the open house. We were tour guides for Pasir Ris Crest Sec Sch. A school in my area which makes me rather excited. They were a good bunch, very loud yet outgoing well at least for most of them. I didn't regret skipping class for this because I got to explore places of the polytechnic that I've never been before. I should get myself involve in more school events I think! It's rather fun.

Appreciate me before I'm gone

You know at times I want people to hear instead of listen. I want them to hear me out like how I've always been there to be a listening ear. I don't know how to make this sound less selfish. I love my friends so much, don't get me wrong. And also, everything I do for them is from my heart. But there are days where I need reassurance. There are days where I'm obviously not ok and people can see it. I want a little attention. I want people to ask me if I'm ok if I need a listening ear. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe all I wanted was to be appreciated.

A friend once told me, "no matter how hurtful they make you feel, at the end of the day, you act like nothing happened." 

I'm attached to every single one of my friends and I hope they're afraid of losing me as much as I'm afraid to lose them.

1st page of a 365 page book (2014)

"Today is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

What do you mean it's 2014 already???? Ok so we've bid farewell to 2013. I can't believe how fast 2013 was. It was honestly one of the fastest years for me. It was like in a blink, it is 2014 already. 2013 was alright. As usual, there were ups and downs. Resolutions are quite necessary to make every year, yes? I've made resolutions for myself in 2013, let's see how many I managed to achieve.

2013's resolutions 

1) to be a better person than I was in 2012

• I personally feel that I improved and was a better person than I was 2012, but of course there are room for improvements but I thought I was quite alright, I grew as an individual. 

2) to strive to be a better Muslim everyday in 2013

• This is slightly personal so I'll leave it between me and Allah.

3) get into a polytechnic 

• This was one of my highlight in 2013. I managed to get into a polytechnic. If you've read my previous posts, you are probably aware that I retook my O's in 2012. I got into NYP, Interaction Design. I am thankful and I still can't believe I got into a polytechnic. I'm pretty proud of myself because it definitely wasn't easy seeing all your friends progressing and moving to polytechnics and JCs when I'm just there with no options and was left behind. Still thankful up till this day.

4) to be a good daughter / sister / friend / granddaughter 

• I didn't ask anyone if I was any of the above but I hope I am. 

5) donate the blood on my 18th birthday

• My birthday's in September and there wasn't any blood donation drives that I'm aware of except 1 in late November located in my school. Sadly, I couldn't donate blood because according to them, my veins are too thin hence it would be risky if they took my blood. I was so disappointed because I was really looking forward for it. I have to find ways to make my veins thicker so I can donate blood this year hopefully. 

6) apply for driving lessons once I turn 18

• I didn't. But hopefully in 2014.

7) complete my undone 2012's resolutions 

• Meet or find someone who will make happy. Of course by someone I mean, that special someone. I didn't. All I met was jerks but I have no regrets but I take it as lesson for me. God has a plan for me personally, I'll leave it all to God, I'm not complaining.

My resolutions for 2013?

• I want to be comfortable in my own skin. Get fit. Don't let little things upset easily because I tend to get easily affected. Make my arm veins thicker so I can freakin donate blood. Enrol for license. Get a job maybe. Be a better person spiritually. Not rushing or thirsty but maybe meeting someone who won't fucking pretend they like you and then ignore you would be nice. Lastly, be a better Muslim of course.

Cheers to 2014! Hope it's a good year for all of us!

Not ok

It's been a month and it's still bothering me. I have so many questions left unanswered. Why was I left hanging? Why are promises made when they were all broken? Am I that easy to forget? Was it because I am not beautiful? Was it because I was not worth it? Was it because I don't have an ideal body shape? Was it because of my messy hair? Was it because I was flawed from head to toe?

Why?

How can you just leave me hanging, don't I matter at all?

At the very least, I think I deserve an explanation, just a freakin' explanation.

Best friend

I'm having my gsm now but there's suddenly an urge to blog so yeah. Quite rad blogging in the lecture hall and just minding my own business, I'm just kidding, focus in class kids.

I met up with my best friend last Sunday. Oh how I've missed him so much. We rarely see each other since he's serving his national service and well I have school of course. We had dinner @ T3's CBTL of course, our favourite place to chill. I've not seen Adib for about 5 weeks so I was over the moon to see him. I've been having really rough November. The worst month of 2013 to me and I'm not even kidding. I have zero motivation for sem 2, people make me feel like shit and some family matters. I have been basically bottling up for so long because I feel like people hear but they don't listen? I poured everything to him on Sunday. I felt so much better. My best friend always says the nicest things to me. He makes me feel worth it. He makes me feel beautiful. But yet I still do not believe I'm entirely all of that. It suddenly got me thinking I couldn't imagine my life with Adib. 

Adib coming up to me in sec 1 on the first day I came to school with my braces on was the start of our friendship. Always makes me smile thinking about that day. I just hope Adib will be in my life forever.

What a cheesy post. 

3 museums in 1 day

We visited 3 museums in a day, Singapore Arts Museum (SAM), SAM @ P8 and National Museum of Singapore with my class. Trips outside class > sitting in class any day.

A proper post soon I promise. SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS DUE, PANIC ATTACK

Days you little shit

Swam at Sengkang with my 4 lesbinis on my birthday eve! Which was about 10 days ago? Dayana had already made other plans hence she couldn't join us. She's always missing our swimming outings which is so sad. Always a good time with this bunch, no doubt. 

Ok so I posted 4 posted within 2 hours wow I'm amazing. Next post will be about my Istanbul trip hopefully!